The emotional math of asymetry
Track 18 - June 18, 2025 2:46 AM
    It was never about wanting more from her. I didn’t want to change her, mold her, or ask her for anything she couldn’t naturally give. The only thing I ever asked for, and maybe not even out loud was reciprocity. Not grand gestures, just the bare minimum. Just effort that didn’t leave me questioning my own worth. What I wanted, what I cherished, was her presence. Her energy. The little things. The way her existence fit into mine, like a background melody that made everything feel a little more alive. It wasn’t about being owed something. And maybe that’s what hurt the most, not the absence of romance, but the imbalance. I wasn’t demanding her heart; I was just offering mine without knowing if it was being held or shrugged off. I didn’t feel entitled to her love. I just hoped that what I gave wasn’t invisible. I just hoped I mattered. She’d initiate. Suggest plans. Say the friendship mattered. But then hesitate when I did the same. The same suggestions. The same energy. I didn’t need everything, but I needed things to make sense. And often, they didn’t. That inconsistency made it feel like my trust was being stretched too thin, and my hope misused. My love was never transactional. It wasn’t a bargaining chip. It wasn’t rooted in her saying it back. It just… existed. Quietly, stubbornly. And in the end, it asked only one thing: to not be treated like it didn’t matter. Maybe I wasn’t hurt because she didn’t love me. Maybe I was hurt because I didn’t know how to stop loving someone who didn’t know how to hold what I gave. And I’ve realized that loving someone deeply doesn’t mean you have to stay. It doesn’t mean you have to shrink. Love can be unconditional, but presence cannot be. I don’t know if I want her back in my life, and I don’t know if she ever truly saw me. But I know this: I’m not ashamed of how deeply I loved. I just wish the lessons hadn’t come wrapped in silence. In the end, it wasn’t about wanting more it was about not wanting to feel like less.